Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
