I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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