i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
