she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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