She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
