In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
