Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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