if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
