we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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