No awkward lesbian experiences without me
just tell him i said nine months
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
