I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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