Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
