I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
