Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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