I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
