Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
