Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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