Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
