cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
