Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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