Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
