I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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