No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
