whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
This is the prime rib incident all over again
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
