he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
