I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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