Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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