oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
