i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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