turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
