I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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