i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
