So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
