I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
