seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
