I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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