This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
