walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
