oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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