Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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