Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
