tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
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Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
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I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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