I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
