Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
