There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
