I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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