I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
