he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
