Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
