I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
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