I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.