So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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