Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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