my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
