She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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