I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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