When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
